Driving back from Memphis Sunday evening, fear and worry began to overwhelm me. Every negative thought that I could possibly imagine entered my head. I admit it; the past couple of weeks have been rough, as the reality of my move begins to settle in. But Sunday evening was particularly hard. By the time I returned home, I was more exhausted and emotionally drained as I was before I left on Friday to spend the weekend with my best friend.
As I said from the beginning, this blog is real. I won’t sugarcoat my feelings. Although I am confident and at peace about what God is calling me to do, it is still hard; that’s just reality. I have less than six months before I move, and I feel the weight of spending every possible moment with my family and friends and those I love. The time is not long enough; it will never be long enough.
I’m beginning to understand why the Bible talks so much about fear. It can mess with your mind so much that it cripples you. Perhaps excitement and fear are two sides of the same coin. Mary was excited and scared when Gabriel showed up with his big announcement. The disciples were excited and scared when they learned that Jesus was alive. Take it down a thousand notches: Joey, my puppy-nephew, was excited and scared when he met his momma (my sister) for the first time. He was so scared that he trembled; but when my sister put him in the car to take him home, he was as happy as a lark. I’m excited and scared about moving to South Africa. On the one hand, it’s exciting to start over: do meaningful work, live in a new city, make new friends, attend a new church, have a new community, live a simplified life. On the other hand, it’s scary: Will I fail at my work? Will people like me? Will I make good friends? Will I be able to overcome the homesickness? I’ll be living on a 1/3 of my current salary.
I know it’s a rough time that I’m going through, and it will get better. It’s just a part of the process. The hardest choices in life involve risk. I’m willing to take this risk with God’s help.